November 29, 2015 | Rome, Italy | Clear 6°C

We at SAD

So many self-realizing possibilities!
By Joel Stein
Published: 2015-11-27

ello, and welcome to! We at SAD take your facial needs very seriously. We want your best face out there all the time! Give us your Selfie and we'll give your world a face, or get you ready to face the world! Maybe you've noticed, but narcissism isn't perfect. Our founder, Billy Self, knows this. Sometimes narcissism needs a little push.

Nose-tweaking? Check. Brow extensions? Check!

Forehead heightening? Check!

Ear-flattening? Check!

Chill! We have you covered.

And that's just for starters. Below is just a small sampling of what we can do to and for you to ensure that the photo you send to your friends, lovers and ex's is the one you want out there, and not just the one that happens to look like you.

Make-a-Face: With Make-a-Face, you send us your selfie and we decide if you look okay enough to even be out there. If you are, great. But if not, which is most of the time, we make up the face we think would suit you perfectly. Choose the "Make Me Up" option and we'll take it a step further! Maybe you're white but should be African-American. No problem. We pick up on this and immediately tailor a face from our date base. Maybe you're in an Afghan or Alien sort of mood. Our Insidious Facial Awareness Technology ® ensures you'll be any race or color you want to be, even more than one depending on who you're sending yourself to! Face it. You are who we want you to be!

Nose re-curving: Sometimes a selfie gets your nose wrong. That perfect nose you know you have comes out crooked or bumpy or maybe it isn't there at all because of a domestic accident involving a pet. No worries. We have an extensive database of nose amplifications and apply free tweaking based on ethnic preferences. We also have an Awesome Religion Option®, so you'll never look like the Hindu you're not! Or the Presbyterian! Maybe it's time to look like you have the flu and let your employer know. Our Irritating Cavity Function (ICF) will make anyone know you're as sick as you feel like feeling, or making up. Give your lie a chance! ICF can also created marring, so you can show people the effects of a long night of gaming, and winning! Warrior Nose contains a moveable beak, to surprise your friends. Change your look from hour to hour! Be what you're not!

Red Square Special (RSS): Our most advanced option is also our coolest. Chose RSS and our technicians will airbrush you completely, so when you send that amazing selfie you shot at the Grand Canyon all anyone will ever see is the Grand Canyon. You won't even be there. We'll take you out of wherever you were to make you feel even better about whom you're not. Uber-cool RSS Reverse does the opposite. Send us a selfie you're not in and we'll put you there, along with the appropriate background, whether beach, party or university lecture hall. Send your teacher photos of you at lectures you never attended! Send your lovers photos of you in compromising positions you never heard of! Or choose the White Space Special and we'll send the world an elegantly bordered blank and you can tell them you're in it when you're not, frightening children and inviting comments, likes and upsetting religious zealots!

Ruler and Tyrant Option (RTO): Ever felt like your selfie doesn't say enough about what you're really feeling or expressing — like pettiness or rage? We have you covered. RTO ensure you'll look like any number of recent tyrants from our Dudes From Hell© database. We can "Pol Pot" you, or "Donald" you in a variety of races and ethnicities. And if you change your minf after an hour, just switch back to our White Space Special and you can pretend you never even sent that nasty look.

Narcissism may not be perfect, but Bill Self's promise to you is that you'll be anyone you want to be, or we want you to be, and even if you're just with us for a while, we'll make sure your face is added to our Perpetuity Book, so that the essence of you will always be available to someone else for centuries to come!

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