By Lorien Menhennett
One man responded every time I changed my profile. Here are excerpts from what I received — so delightfully — over a two-week span.
1. You're pedestrian and obvious, you're a plebe and a wannabe. You're a middle-aged ... student. Not sure where you get the right to be that pretentious. I wouldn't even consider bedazzling your face with my semen.
2. I see you started four out of five paragraphs with "I."
Do you lack such an imagination as a writer that every sentence needs to start with "I" or "I'm"? Also — SELFISH. Your ad reads as "me me me me."
3. You're fucking stupid.
To this eloquent man (assuming he is one), I would reply:
Given that you have replied not once, not twice, but three times to my profile, not with the goal of meeting me, but of insulting me — and are therefore wasting your own time — I have no choice but to conclude that it is you who are stupid. Best wishes in your own search.
Some just don't understand intellectual attraction:
What planet are you from where men will be drawn to your words before they are drawn to your body?
To which I would say:
Dear Sir, I am from Earth, a planet where a minority of men still desire not only physical but intellectual intimacy with their partners. This may not be your goal, but it is the goal of dozens of people who have replied to my profile. I do thank you for your kind concern, though.
My "compliments" folder exists to remind me good men are out there. Three snippets in that vein:
• If you don't mind me saying, this was probably the most well written and grown-up post on [this website]. I'm impressed, most everything else is devoid of any type of substance.
Although I would love to go back and forth with you about any and all topics, I'm probably not what you're looking for. But I felt compelled to write you.
Anyways, I wish you the best in your journey!
• Hi, seriously I wished I was 35. I loved everything about your ad. Unfortunately I'm [in my mid-20s]. Been looking for a woman like you for awhile but it's so hard to find. My last relationship didn't last long because she was more of a Nympho and I wasn't unfortunately. But I need someone like you in my life. I hope to find my own ... soul mate. I wish you all the best.
• I just wanted to say I really enjoyed your ad. It was a pleasure to read such a well-written, clever ad. It brought a smile to my face as I perused the rest of the junk [on here] today. ... Unfortunately, I'm not your type. (I fail in one important category. I'm married. Otherwise, it would be a great match.) But I wanted you to know that your ad brought a smile to my face and gave me hope of finding someone decent on [this website]. Good luck.
So there are kindred spirits out there. Somewhere. And one day I'll find a smart, funny guy who isn't married, isn't crazy, and I click with. For now I've got medical school, and she's a demanding mistress.
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