By Jennifer Allison
uestions about love, dating, and relationships are frequently tossed my way. Never mind my own less-then-perfect relationship record, or that I struggle as a mother, sometimes lack patience, and I hold no degree in counseling. Here are a few answers to questions I've collected.
• Q: Three weeks ago I signed up again for online dating (my fourth go around). This time I decided to use the "swipe" app Tinder, hoping to get past a feeling I've had in the past that there weren't enough good looking men to choose from, at least not online.
Though I've been able to meet many more attractive men through Tinder, I feel as though none of them seem to want a real commitment. I feel like I'm surrounded by bunch of flakes that care more about their workouts and flirty texting than actual real dating. Any advice?
• A: Advice? I have plenty. But I'll limit myself to the gist of your question. For starters, you can't play with a swipe app that advertises itself as based solely on looks and expect to find deep connections. Why on earth complain about the shallowness of the men you're meeting when your own intentions — finding "more attractive men" — aren't exactly deep and meaningful? It's not fair. You don't get to be shallow while expecting the men to be tall, dark, and handsome and also have depth. That's just not how it works.
Having said that, I see nothing wrong with swipe apps per se if all you're looking for is a casual evening with a fun guy who's not too far away. That's fine.
But if it's long-term commitment you're looking for, you're barking up the wrong tinder.
As far as I know Tinder is designed to make dating easier by allowing you not only to base your connection on looks but also find out who's literally around the corner. That means your date not only needs to be good looking but also close enough s to not waste your gas money. Doesn't exactly ooze depth, does it?
My advice would be to take Tinder and all the other swipe apps for what they are — a great tool to meet new people, make friends, have fun, and enjoy a potential romp in the hay. Stop looking at it as a way to find a loving and committed relationship. That's not what they're intended for.
If that's really what you want, and you're willing to put in the work such a relationship entails, then stop being so shallow and try and looking beyond looks. You may be surprised just how sexy and attractive a man becomes once you take the time to get to know him.
Being there for an unhappy married made inevitably leads to a woman kidding herself — big-time.
Yes, falling for a co-worker can be both fun and exciting. And no, don't let it happen.
Putting a premium on men who pique your lust is anything but a surefire way to lasting love.
As not what you can do for your man, ask what your man can (and will) do for you.
Waiting for someone you're in love with "to come around" is a fool's errand in almost all circumstances.
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